Well, it is looking more and more like I’ll be free of the office of a bishop. The thing my spiritual authority is wrestling with at the moment is: if I don’t honestly desire it, how can I do it? How will I last at it or even do it well if I don’t personally want to?
I have tried it with a good will. I have a good conscience about the effort and willingness, as much as a sense of responsibility will give me. But true, heartfelt desire to minister to these people in this way? None. Not for lack of trying, but I honestly believe God has not put it there. I do not desire the office (not that I agree with those who make it a requirement, but I’m not going to stand in the way of my spiritual authority not asking me to do what I don’t want).
What do I desire? Still to be a writer of Science Fiction. But at this stage of the game, I probably need to get some kind of career and stick to it, you know? I think I’ll become a computer programmer if I go back to the USA, and live by that responsibility. How hard can it be to program computers? And on the desk a pad of paper, like in the old days.
It is curious that I began all this because a pastor thought I wasn’t really dedicated to my job. But if you can’t do what you want, how hard can you go after what you do with a mere sense of responsibility? I am not interested in making money.
So if you can’t do what you want, you have to do what you can. So that when you can, you do what you want.